What to do, what to do...

It all started with Gymboree.  If you've never heard of Gymboree, picture a room filled with brightly colored play structures (toddler sized), brightly colored balls, brightly colored walls, and brightly colored parachutes.  In this room, you will see parents and their children, primarily babies and toddlers.  In my case, it all began with S when she was 7 months old.  At that age, the reality was that she was never going to be doing back flips before she could walk, but there was one important component that was a potent elixir...other grown ups!  This is a huge draw for most parents.  When the kid's activities are also social time for the grown ups, it's a win-win!

From Gymboree came gymnastics, play & music classes, dance classes, day camps, swimming lessons, Girl Scouts, and piano lessons.  We aren't alone!  In households throughout our community, parents are busy encouraging exploration, skill development, and packing schedules of activities that require spreadsheets and color coded calendars to get through the day.

I've pretty much given S & K the chance to explore.  I may have made the initial choices to see what they like or where their natural aptitudes lie.  For S, she really enjoys dance and is beginning to find her niche in jazz dance, although she likes ballet, too.  She likes Girl Scouts and is often up for trying new things.  She is a talented artist and if I offer art classes, she will be happy to go.  As always, things with K are slightly more complicated.

K has tried a variety of activities.  We used to say that K would be happiest playing softball, while singing or playing an instrument, wearing a tutu.  She wants to do it all.  We want her to do it all, but I have learned that some things just aren't meant for her, no matter how much she wants it.

With her auditory processing disorder, she doesn't always hear what is around her as fast as it is delivered.  She simply won't hear instructions, especially if they are given too quickly, and particularly when there are competing sounds jumbling up the process.  This makes team sports very stressful, so we took softball and soccer off the list of activities.  Golf?  Possibly.  Tennis?  Maybe.

She seems to have an aptitude for music.  From a young age, she could sing on key and keep a beat.  So, when she wanted to dance like her big sister, it seemed like it would be a great fit.  It was...until she wanted to try tap dancing!  Tap dancing?  My child who can't stand loud noise, plugs her ears with her fingers, and will avoid shopping in stores with loud music?  She loved tapping, but when her teacher started telling her she had to practice at home, I knew something was up.  Yeah, tapping really wasn't up her alley.  Kind of like swimming, she was having a tough time getting her feet to do something different from her arms.  Frankly, she looked like a marionette with someone else pulling the strings, arms and legs going different directions, floppy and loose...and I say that with all the love in the world.  Thankfully, piano lessons have been wonderful.  It's individual, only as loud as she plays, and suits her innate musical talents.

Girl Scouts has been an easy and constant activity for both girls.  That is changing now, too.  K is just not as mature as her peers and it is difficult for her to stay engaged in our activities when things are often just above her head, a little bit out of reach.

So, what to do?  What to do?  I asked some other parents with special needs kids what kinds of things their kids participate in.  You know what they said?  Most of them said karate or martial arts.  Okkaayy.  Do they play music in those classes?  Can she wear a tutu?  No?  Well, we might give it a try anyway.  I have a hard time picturing her with the discipline required in those classes. I have a hard time picturing her karate chopping her way through the world.  On the other hand, we don't want her to be limited, so I can't cross it off the list until she's tried it.

Summer is coming soon and that is a great time to try new things, so we shall see what that brings.  Maybe I can find her a pink karate outfit...

Miss Smarty Pants

Back in December, K was making out her Christmas list.  Top on the list:  Pixie Dust.  She wanted Santa to bring her Pixie Dust.  In our household, Santa makes an effort to bring one or two of the most important things on the list, but this was a tough one.  However, I'm a smart girl!  I concocted the pixie dust and Santa delivered it with a letter telling K how hard it was to get in touch with Tinker Bell and with a reminder that the pixie dust only works in Neverland, so don't try to fly at home.

I need to remember that although she has her challenges, K is much smarter than I am.

Her first response was that she could take the pixie dust to Disneyland  RIGHT NOW and Tinker Bell would put the magic back in it so that they could fly together.  Fortunately, we weren't going to Disneyland, so I was off the hook for that one.

A few months have passed and we did plan a trip to Disneyland over Spring Break.  I was hoping that by now, K would have forgotten all about taking her pixie dust to Disneyland.  That's how these things usually work with kids.  Something that is ultra-important one day becomes a distant memory in a matter of days, weeks, or months.

Not so much this time.  We gave K a new backpack to take on the trip and the very first thing she put in it was the bag of pixie dust.  Darn it!  However, as luck would have it, the night before we left, she was rearranging her backpack, took out the pixie dust and forgot to put it back in so it was left behind at home.

Whew!  I'm off the hook!

Not so fast!  She is a clever problem solver.  No need to worry.  She can just tell Tinker Bell that the pixie dust doesn't work and Tinker Bell will give her the magic and she can bring it home to practice her flying.

Uh oh.

So, being the tenacious person that I am, I am wracking my brain to figure out how to get around this one.  Originally, I planned to tell a Cast Member at Disney about the pixie dust so Tinker Bell could give her the message that the pixie dust only works in Neverland.  I decided to stick with that plan.  The Cast Member said he would take care of it and when K approached Tinker Bell, the first thing Tink said was, "How did the pixie dust work out?"  K said, "It doesn't work!  I can't even fly!"  I'm worried now because this is a big deal for K and I am hoping that Tink will come up with something clever because I clearly did not do a good enough job coaching the cast member.

Tink says, "Well, it's just for practice.  Did you think a happy thought? What was your happy thought?"

K responds, "To fly with you."

Awwwwwww.....

It all worked out okay, but when we got home, the first thing Miss Smarty Pants did was get her pixie dust and sprinkle some on her head...just in case she took a trip to Neverland that night.

Gotta love the imagination!  I hope I can keep a step ahead of her, but it is unlikely.  I'm glad S went along with it, too.  She really likes being part of the magic for K and it is a wonderful thing to see.

42 days and counting...

I used to love school.  As a child, I was an avid reader and loved school.  As a teen, I was much more interested in social activities, but still, I loved school and worked hard to do my best.  I have always wanted my children to have a love of learning and for the most part, they do.

Now?  I'm not so fond of school.  It seems as though the extraordinary effort I have made to see that K gets a proper education has had a significant impact on my feelings about school.  Negative impact.  No longer am I the one excited for the kids to go back to school.  I am the one wishing vacation lasted a little bit longer.  I am the one with the countdown on my calendar, marking off day by day until school is out for summer.

On the list of "things I need to do better," is accepting that this will not change and therefore, I should not let it get to me.

We were on vacation last week.  I love vacation!  Everyone loves vacations, I know.  However, I think a lot of stay-at-home parents are excited when the kids go back to school after a break.  Sometimes, too much togetherness just gets to be, well, too much.  I get that, too.  I am guessing that I am in the minority.  I don't like it when my kids have to go back to school.  Why?  Because I know that we have to go back to all that comes with it.

For S, she will have homework and projects, as usual.  With her, I get tired of the drudgery of the routine.  Sometimes, I just want to take a day off with her.  Or take her to breakfast and show up to school when we are ready.  Instead, I got a truancy letter from the school a couple of weeks ago.  It seems that S has missed 12 days of school in the 2nd trimester.  90% attendance is required, so she can go to Saturday School to make up her absences.  Except that all of her absences are excused and half of them are the result of her injury last Fall.  Needless to say, a call to the Vice Principal assured us that they are simply required by law to send those out and they know that S is doing fine and her absences were excused, but as long as she doesn't miss any more school this year, she will be at the required 90% attendance.  Great.  Child of mine, you better not get sick and we'll just have to forget about taking that Friday off to go away for a weekend, even though your grades are excellent and missing a day isn't going to change any of that. *sigh*

With K, in particular, it is like a big, black cloud comes to hang over my head.  I know we are going back to day after day of homework, academic challenges, and for me, worry, worry, worry.  As I've expressed before, this year has been particularly difficult, especially when it became clear that the teacher isn't fully committed to K's success.  I live for Friday, when I know we won't have any homework.  On the other hand, I get frustrated when K is not given the long term projects that other kids do.  I'd take some of that extra work because I know how enriching those bigger projects are and because I believe in her ability to learn.  I know it seems like I am contradicting myself.  I am just trying to see that K gets the same opportunities as other children.  I have expressed my commitment to helping her outside of school so that she can have those same opportunities.  The point of her IEP is not to eliminate assignments, it is to modify them when necessary.

See?  I quickly get sucked into the multi-facted, complicated situation we call "school."

It isn't going to change.  Not really.  So I need to change.  I need to accept that this is what school is for now.  Accept the cards I've been dealt for this year and hope that the next deal results in a better hand.

Fine.  I'll suck it up.  Why?  Because there are only 42 school days left until Summer!  I wasn't kidding about that calendar countdown...

A Brief Pat On the Back

There is nothing more gratifying for a parent than when other adults compliment their kids.  Yea me!  I'm doing something right!  When you spend all that time teaching "please," "thank you," "may I," "excuse me," and more time on offering someone your seat, addressing an adult with respect, etc., it's nice to know that your kids are actually doing those things out in public.

*For those friends that are reading this because they found it through the Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid! Facebook page or blog, please forgive me.  I'm about to brag about my perfect kid.  Please don't flog me or take away my membership card in The Movement of Imperfection club.  Sometimes it is nice to wade in the perfect waters for just a few moments.  ;-)

I've had some really great moments in the past few weeks that are so gratifying, they must be shared.  You see, while K has enough charm to melt the heart of Jack Frost, S is more reserved, so people don't always see her warmth right away.  She needs to take time to get comfortable, time to get to know someone, before she will let you in.  Once she's comfortable, though, she is genuinely kind and thoughtful.

Exhibit A:  S is participating in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life this year.  After sending out the call for donations via my Facebook page, she immediately got a donation.  When I told her about it, the very first thing she said was, "Wow!  That's so great!  I need to send a thank-you card."  Hallelujah!  She got there on her own and I didn't have to suggest that she send the thank-you note.

Exhibit B:  Dropping S off at school late one day, due to a dental appointment, and the principal is in the office.  First, he is concerned because she is late and wants to make sure she is okay.  Once assured that it was only a dental appointment, he turns to me and says, "You have a great girl here.  She is just so sweet and has such great manners.  She's just great!  Do you have any more like her?"  This is followed by all the ladies in the office chiming in with their agreement and suggesting that they won't want her to leave after her 8th grade year next year, so maybe they could arrange to flunk her so she could stay.  Well, no thanks on the flunking, but how great is it to know that S is leaving behind such a positive impression of herself?  It's pretty great!

Exhibit C:  S & K were riding bikes over the weekend and went to visit some friends in the neighborhood.  These friends have adult children, not kids for S & K to play with, but these friends have always been kind and loving to my girls.  I received a text from my friend saying, "...can't tell you how much I enjoyed them! Reminded me of our girls in their younger days and your kids have the best manners!"

Exhibit D (and yes, my imperfect friends, I am almost done):  S noticed a new girl at school last week.  She didn't hesitate to introduce herself and invite the new girl to have lunch with her and her friends.  She wanted to make sure that the new girl met some nice people and didn't get into the "mean girls" crowd.  While some of her other friends were more skeptical of reaching out to the new girl, she didn't even think twice.  This may be the thing that makes me most proud of her.  I didn't necessarily realize it, but I do think that having an extra-special sister has inherently taught S to give people a chance, don't judge quickly, and what you see is not always what you get.

It is one of my fondest wishes that she keeps that quality her whole life.  I believe that having an extra-special kid in the family has taught us all to be more patient, more forgiving, more understanding, and far less quick to judge.  Are we perfect at that all the time?  Of course not, but when I see my girls exhibiting these qualities, I know that they will be well equipped with compassionate hearts to make the world around them better, even if in small ways.

It's Not Easy Being Green...with Envy

"There she goes again.  Trying to get all of the attention."

Yes, that is a direct quote from S.  Just as I have suspected for some time, she's jealous.  I realize this is typical sibling behavior, even though I really have no frame of reference for typical sibling behavior.  That's what other people tell me.  I can accept that, but I am sensitive to it.  I've said it before - it cannot be easy to be the sibling of an extra-special kid.

Kids, even as they mature, don't seem to see things as logically as they could.  I know, I know...duh!  I just wonder what S would really think if she took time to compare her life to K's.  I recognize that the jealousy stems from her perception that K gets more attention, but would she really want that same attention?  If we go back to the "fair and equal" thing, which has already been established as a myth, would she really want to do what K does?  Sure, K is technically spending more time with me.  However, let's look at how that time has been spent.

I'm pretty confident that K could pick me out of a crowd just by seeing the back of my head.  Why?  Because she has spent a lot of time in the car, being driven from one therapy to another or to school and back.  That's a lot of time in the backseat!  Don't be deceived, either.  It's not like she gets to just play in the backseat all the time.  Many times, we use that time for other activities to help her in her learning.  Sometimes she reads aloud to me.  Sometimes, she is listening to books on CD - not fun ones, the boring stories from her Open Court reading text at school (in the hope that repetition will help her understand it more clearly).  Occasionally, she does her homework in the car because the time is too short to do it at any other time.  We've been known to practice spelling words in the car and also those pesky math facts.  I don't think S would enjoy spending all that time in the car.

Over the years, K has spent a lot of time in different therapy settings.  Granted, the one that S seemed most interested in was occupational therapy.  Who could blame her?  It looked like K got to spend an hour playing in sand, finger painting with shaving cream, sitting in a bucket of beans and swinging on a hammock swing...all inside!  K did that once a week for 3 years.  Would S really have wanted to be doing that?

Speech therapy has been and will remain a constant.  S knows that she doesn't want to do that, but still, she seems to envy the time her sister gets to spend doing it.  It's not logical.

For me, the hardest thing to convey to S is that even though it seems like K is getting more attention, the reason for that is not one she would want to share.  I try to explain to her that the reason K went to occupational therapy was because she couldn't manage to get through a day without shutting down - her brain was like a clogged up freeway.  Would you want to trade places with that?  Same thing for speech - it may seem like fun to go to speech therapy but how would you feel if you couldn't communicate clearly with your friends or didn't understand what the teacher was trying to explain or didn't have the right words to express your frustrations, your joys, your fears, your excitement?  This is really hard for S to conceptualize in her own mind since she has never experienced it for herself.

It's also just because that's what siblings do and her lament is a common one from the older sibling toward the younger one.

In all fairness to S, K can certainly be a drama queen and she does nab our attention - both good and bad - because of it.  On the other hand, it can be quite entertaining to watch the two of them trying to grab their spotlight, upping the ante with one antic or another.  I have to be careful, though.  If I laugh at it as much as I'd like to, S will give me the eye roll with the huffy sigh.  She is a 12 year old girl, after all and that means she is hypersensitive to any perceived criticism, whether real or not.

As a mom trying to manage raising two very different daughters who require two totally different approaches to parenting, I have to be a keen observer of things like this.  The little things that S says and does are what give me a much clearer picture of where she is at, particularly in regard to K.  Her statement about K trying to get all of the attention helps me to remember that S can't be taken for granted.  The challenge is to keep that in mind on a daily basis, given the normal hustle and bustle of any family.

Will I get it right?  Will S eventually figure out that she wouldn't want to be in K's shoes?  I don't know.  As with everything else on this crazy parenting journey, I just have to do the best I can with what I've got and then cross my fingers that it all turns out okay.